


I Declare a Tongue War

by St_Salieri



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-07
Updated: 2008-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-25 07:39:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St_Salieri/pseuds/St_Salieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy has questions about the healing properties of vampire saliva.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Declare a Tongue War

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in some post-NFA future.

It all started one fateful morning in May. The sun was shining, the birdies were singing, and the day was shaping up to be delightfully non-apocalypty. Dawn was behaving herself, no one had been beaten up or kidnapped recently, and she had a hot vampire in her bed who was currently treating her boobs like a chew toy. Life was good.

Mostly.

"Ouch!" Buffy thwacked Spike on the head. He barely stopped the nuzzling and chewing, instead latching onto her nipple and giving it a strong suck. She tried to yank his head away, but he whined like a puppy. God, she needed a damn spray bottle.

"Hey!" she said sharply. "No! Bad Spike!" She used her thumbs to press right below his ears, where she knew he was extra sensitive. He finally pulled away, looking up at her blearily. He was in game face, which gave him an endearingly cross-eyed appearance and did absolutely nothing to dispel the whole puppy imagery.

"What?" he lisped. Ew, was he drooling? She used the sheet to wipe vampire slobber off her chest and regarded him sternly.

"What did I say about those fangs, mister?"

Spike just blinked at her, and she sighed. She should have known better than to interrupt him when he was busy playing with his favorite toys. Like most guys, he wasn't so good with the multi-tasking. (In her opinion, it was one of the reasons why Slayers were always girls. She'd have to run that one by Giles sometime. When she wasn't, you know, naked.) In the meantime, Spike was giving her the most pathetic look imaginable. She pulled the sheet higher up, to remove temptation.

"Watch it with the teeth, okay?"

Spike seemed to have recovered the power of speech, because he just pursed his lips and leered at her. "Oh, don't even give me that, Slayer. You know you love it."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "No, I don't. Not like that, with the accidental scratching. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. See?" She lowered the sheet, and Spike's eyes immediately glazed over. Ugh. Hopeless.

"There!" she said, pointing to the red scratches that littered the surface of her breasts. "Check out the damage. Sex with you is like trying to give Miss Kitty the Second a bath."

"Aw, poor baby," Spike said cheerfully and completely unsympathetically. "Is the widdle Slayer hurt? They'll heal in an hour, tops. Now gimme." He made a dive for her right breast, but Buffy evaded him neatly and yanked his hair to get his attention.

"That's not the point." She was doing her best to keep her voice stern, but Spike had wriggled his hand under the sheet and was giving his all toward prying her thighs open. He kept an innocent look on his face, as if the fact that she couldn't see him doing it absolved him of all wrongdoing. Well, what he lacked in subtlety he made up for in dogged persistence. She had to give him that. "I know," she said, letting her thighs drop open a bit. "Slayer healing is magically delicious. Still, I'm getting tired of temporarily looking like a pincushion."

Spike snorted. "Slayer healing nothing. I can fix it for you, no problem." Before she had time to protest, he lowered his head to her breasts and started to lick them all over, long licks like a cat cleaning itself.

"What are you...?" She started to push him off, them gave up and let him have his way. It was strangely soothing, as long as she ignored the icky wetness of it all. And hey, it wasn't like he'd never used his tongue in more personal areas than just her breasts. After a minute of licking, he raised his head and gave a shivery shake until she was looking at his human face again.

"There," he said proudly. "Good as new in less than an hour."

"Or my money back?" Buffy said dryly. She inspected her boobs, grabbing the sheet to wipe them off again. Well, she'd definitely have to wash the bedding tonight. The cuts looked slightly less red, but nothing unusual, considering her accelerated healing. "So, what was that all about?"

Spike threw himself back against one of the pillows and smiled smugly. "Vampire saliva. It closes the cuts. Now, how about you come sit on daddy's face and let me put that tongue to its proper use?" He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she gaped at him.

"What?!"

He gave her A Look. "Do you really need instructions? See, you swing your right leg over my head and hang on to the headboard, and then I..."

"No!" she said, smacking his roving hands away. "I mean, what was all that crap about vampire saliva?"

Spike laced his hands behind his head and sighed heavily. "Like I said. Vampire saliva closes cuts. Consider it one my many fringe benefits."

God, he could make even the most inane comments sound filthy. _That_ was one of his fringe benefits. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," she said bluntly. "And...please." She pointed to the fading scratches on her breasts. "This is all Slayer healing, buddy."

Spike snorted. "No," he said patiently. "That's vampire saliva." He poked her in the leg. Oh, now he was just provoking her. He was so dead.

"Slayer healing!"

"Vampire saliva!"

"Slayer healing!"

Someone pounded on the bedroom door. "It tastes great _and_ is less filling," a heavy voice growled. "Now could you please keep it down?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Spike said in a loud voice that lacked any hint of an apology. "Were we keeping you from your brooding?"

"Stop it!" Buffy hissed, smacking him on the leg. "Angel?" she called, leaping from the bed and struggling into her jeans. "Wait a minute, would you? I have to ask you something."

She could almost sense, rather than hear, the heavy sigh from the other side of the door. "Do I have to?" Angel muttered, right before she quickly threw on her shirt and opened the door. He looked vaguely ill when he saw her mussed hair, which...whatever. It wasn't like he didn't know what they were up to in there. Spike, naturally, hadn't bothered to make the slightest effort at getting dressed, instead throwing off the sheet completely and flaunting his Spike-ness in all its glory. God, the two of them were insufferable. Buffy shot Spike a threatening look before pulling Angel inside the room. Spike yelped in protest.

"Hey! He's not welcome."

"Oh, stop it," Buffy said idly. "Now, Angel, I want you to tell me something."

Angel folded his arms across his chest and deliberately did not look over at Spike flaunting his naked self. "If he needs pointers, all he has to do is ask," he said sweetly.

Spike made an incoherent gurgle of rage, and Buffy narrowed her eyes at Angel.

"Not. Helping," she ground out. "Look, can you just answer a quick vampire-related question for me?" She figured this was the only way to get the dirt on vampire saliva. Spike had been lying to her, and naturally Angel would jump on the opportunity to show him up.

Angel shrugged. "Sure. What is it?"

"Vampire saliva. Can it heal cuts?" She threw a smug grin over her shoulder at Spike, waiting for his comeuppance.

"Yes."

She whipped her head around and gaped at Angel. "What?!"

"She says that a lot," Spike confided to Angel.

"It's true," Angel said with another shrug. "Vampire saliva can be used to seal wounds."

Buffy sputtered at him for a few seconds. "But...that doesn't make any sense!"

"What doesn't make sense?"

Willow stuck her head into the room, then eeped at seeing Spike sprawled across the bed. To his credit, he quickly grabbed for the sheet and wrapped it around his waist. Nice to see he had _some_ sense of manners.

"Get this," Buffy said to her. "They say that vampire saliva can be used to seal wounds."

Willow looked intrigued and grossed out all at the same time. "Really? Like...licking?"

Buffy shrugged. "Apparently. And that doesn't make any sense."

"Yes it does!" Angel protested.

Willow frowned and regarded the floor for a moment, giving her best impression of thinking deep thoughts, then looked over at Spike and Angel. "Nope, sorry," she said apologetically. "It really doesn't."

"Ha!" Buffy said. "See?"

"I just don't see why that would be a good thing," Willow admitted. "I mean, why do vampires bite people?"

Spike and Angel exchanged glances. "Uh...food?" Spike said.

"Exactly! And food means blood. And once you bite, you want the blood to keep flowing, right?"

Spike and Angel nodded in tandem like bobble-headed dolls. "So why would you want your saliva to seal the wound?" Willow asked reasonably. "Vampire saliva that can close wounds seems kind of counterproductive to me. Wouldn't that make eating kind of hard, if your bite mark keeps closing up?"

Angel looked over at Spike and scratched his head idly. "Huh. I guess I've never thought of it that way."

Buffy threw up her hands. "Big surprise," she muttered. "I'm just saying."

"But that's not all that biting's for," Spike protested. "Vampires bite for more than just the kill. _You_ know that." He threw her an absolutely filthy look that made her stomach clench and a drop of sweat roll down her back. Damn him. "And sometimes you don't _want_ the wound to keep bleeding forever."

Willow was looking back and forth between Spike and Buffy as if she was at a tennis match. " _Oh!_ " she said finally. "I get it." Her face colored up to her hairline. "And ew, thank you. So how does that work, then?" She regarded Spike and Angel skeptically. "You have different salivas, and you can control how you use them?"

"I guess so," Angel said with a shrug. "It also helps if you get a bit of your own blood into the mix." Spike nodded. Willow looked at them both sourly.

"Because that still makes zero sense, I'll have you know. Physiologically, too." She looked over at Buffy and rolled her eyes. "I think they're lying to us," she confided.

"Yup," Buffy agreed.

"Hello?" Spike waved from the bed. "Still in the room. I think the two actual _vampires_ know what they're talking about, thank you very much."

Buffy regarded them skeptically, then let a secret smile cross her face. "Fine. I know how to prove it. We'll test it."

Her bag of weapons sat on top of the dresser, and she rummaged inside for a sharp dagger. She unearthed it with a crow of triumph, then took Angel and dragged him across the room to the bed. "Stand up," she ordered Spike. Clutching the sheet, he obeyed warily.

"Okay, this is how it's going to work," she said. With a flick of the wrist, she gave herself a small cut on either bicep, then a third one lower down on her left arm.

"What are you doing?" Angel protested.

"Science experiment," Buffy said. "Here's the deal. I want you to prove to me that you can seal these cuts faster than they normally would." She shrugged her right shoulder. "Spike, you take this one. Angel, you take the left. Are you ready?"

"No!" Spike protested. "Like hell is he putting his mouth anywhere near you!"

"But, honey..." Buffy softened her voice and looked up at him through lowered eyelashes. She could see him wavering. "It's in the name of science! Don't you want to show me that you were right?"

"Why can't he lick _her_?" Spike asked, pointing at Willow. She raised her hands defensively.

"No way. No one's getting any vampire spit near me, thank you very much. I'll be the observer."

"I'm game," Angel said easily. Spike threw him a sour look.

"You would be," he muttered. "And what's the third cut for?"

"The control group," Buffy said. "We need something to compare against Slayer healing. One lick for you, one for Angel, and one to leave alone." Willow looked impressed, and also like she might die of shock. "Yes, I paid attention during science class," Buffy said defensively. "Sometimes. Now, would you guys please hurry up before these close on their own and I have to cut myself all over again?"

Spike and Angel exchanged glances and sighed heavily.

"Fine," Spike said. "But if I see his tongue lingering one microsecond longer than it needs to, it's getting ripped out of his head. Slowly."

"Of course," Buffy said reasonably. "Now get your faces on, and let's get this over with." She raised her eyebrows at their questioning looks. "Didn't you say that using some of your own blood helped? Well, cut your tongues on your fangs and let's get moving already."

Willow looked like she might be ill.

With a rumbling creak, two vampire faces appeared. Buffy smiled serenely as they both nicked their tongues on their sharp fangs. "Okay," she said, cupping her hands around the back of their necks and bringing them slowly closer. "Ready...set... _now!_ "

And on the word _now_ , she simultaneously let go of their necks and threw herself backward onto the bed and out of the way. Unable to stop their forward momentum, Spike and Angel had time for their eyes to widen in shock before they crashed together...face to face, mouth to mouth, and tongue to tongue.

The two of them snarled in shock and started to pull away from each other. They didn't make it very far.

"Thtuck?" Angel lisped, his tongue firmly attached to Spike's. His eyes began to roll in panic as he became aware of his predicament. "Thtuck. Thtuck! Thtuck!"

Buffy's eyes were streaming, and she was having difficulty breathing through her gales of laughter. Spike and Angel careened around the room, bumping into walls and furniture, connected only by their tongues. They pinwheeled their arms, trying to stay as far away from each other as possible. Naturally, Spike had lost his sheet somewhere along the way. Willow closed her eyes and blindly made her way out of the room, muttering something about too many _Christmas Story_ marathons.

"Wow," Buffy croaked, wiping tears from her eyes. "I guess you were right. My apologies. That's some pretty fast healing. And who would have thought that the saliva of _two_ vampires would be powerful enough to heal those cuts together instantaneously like that? I mean, besides me." She walked over and gave Spike a pat on the ass and a kiss on the cheek, ignoring his look of death. He'd make her pay later, but it was so worth it.

She ambled over to the door, pausing to grab the sheet and toss it to Spike. "And guys? You might want to get yourselves unstuck as soon as possible. I have a feeling Giles might be interested in seeing the results of this famous fast-healing vampire saliva."

She ducked out of the room, almost tripping over Willow, who was hovering next to the door as if waiting for the inevitable explosion. They took the shortest route possible outside into the morning sunlight, laughing all the way. Oh, they'd be back once night fell, and Buffy knew that she'd have to make it up to Spike then. She couldn't wait to see what he had planned for her.

 


End file.
